2021 transitioning to 2022. I still can’t quite wrap my head around it yet.
My days have been aimless lately. I mostly spend my days with four patches of Salonpas on my back (sometimes, Bengay) and chew on any food I see just to keep my acid reflux at bay. I can only set the smallest of goals by the day, and they mostly consist of just surviving my stress-related discomforts until I finally get an update regarding my one big break.
This is also the reason why this entry comes late. HA! I’m sorry for not being able to post these few months —my fellow introverts, you probably can relate: all these panic attacks left me drained every single day.
I want it so bad that it scares me…
These days when I wake up, immediately, a strong, nervous current of questions starts running through my brain: What if my plans won’t work out? What if I made a huge mistake? What’s my plan B?
I browsed the internet, watched movies, go to work and just pretend to be busy. A few hours later, I am exhausted but unsatiated—I still felt there’s something that needs to address.
When it comes to big decisions, career changes, or just unfamiliar ventures, I doubted myself and the choice I had made.
I woke up today, and there it was again: a strong, nervous current of questions jolts me awake.
I always fantasized about working abroad and identified myself as someone who would travel often—I strongly believed that I’m too ambitious. I wanted to be free – To be financially free…
My mom used to nag me to just take whatever is the available job and just live within my means. I am certain that I am not that person. There’s more to life than answering calls, and replying to emails… there’s more to life than browsing tiktok at 3 o’clock in the afternoon. I have high hopes that one day I will have that one big break…
That one big break…
Maybe “figuring it out” is not about finding the right answers, but starting with the right questions. Where do I want to be? Am I on the right track? Who is “thepursuerofdreams” and what does she look like and feel on an ordinary day? – especially on days when things don’t seem to fall into place? Questions that cannot be answered by google; questions that can only be answered by starting close, starting within.
I’ve been trying my damn hardest to lean into it—but progress has been slow.
